The following was written on what was supposed to be the first day of class in January 1997. While the quotes are ficticious, everything else is 100% factual.
DENTON, TEXAS (QP, Jan. 13) --- A severe Arctic storm hit the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex overnight, blanketing the area with up to one-eighth of an inch of snow. Howling winds of 5 miles per hour drove wind chills down to the teens and caused snow drifts up to a half-inch thick.
This unbearable winter spell drove the natives into a state of apoplectic panic, causing a complete shutdown of all metroplex businesses, schools, and universities. The Denton Independent School District cancelled all classes for the day, as well as the University of North Texas and Texas Woman's University, the two major universities in town.
The local government officials were prepared for the weather, as sand trucks worked tirelessly overnight to clear the highways.
"All major arteries through town will be passable by midday," proclaimed Denton mayor Billy Bob Jackson. "However, in the interest of public safety, we ask that everyone refrain from all unnecessary travel until the temperature stays above freezing and the snow melts."
Police cruisers would be equipped with chains to navigate the roads of Denton, explained Jackson. In the early morning hours, several police cars were observed to be driving with chains.
Not all local governments had such an efficient snow removal and public awareness operation. Dallas ABC affiliate WFAA (Channel 8) shot videotape overnight of a sanding truck that went out of control on the treacherously dangerous roads and spun 360 degrees into a parked Mazda Miata.
Students expressed varying degrees of surprise and bewilderment at the strange substance that obstructed their view of the grass.
"I was walking outside, and, like, I lost my balance and slid on the sidewalk a little bit," said Plano sophomore Eddie Jack Holladay. "It was like being drunk and sober at the same time."
"I'm not going outside again, at least for a while... someone could get hurt out there."